Distressed Jeans...

I was flying home from my summer holiday recently and looking through the inflight magazine was astonished to see a review of what "man about the town... Ian" was wearing today... "yellow distressed boned jeans..." Now I dont know about you but there is one colour for denim and that is blue... well at a push black too, but red, green or white NOOOO... and yellow.... yellow.... the outerwear that tamed the wild west in budgerigar YELLOW... you have to be pulling my leg.... but then the next point struck me....DISTRESSED.... Now hold on a mo... how the hell do you DISTRESS a pair of jeans..? Are there people in the Levi factory whose job it is to yell at the products how worthless they are... saying things like no girl could possibly fancy them... or... "see that peice of dog turd out there... that's what we used to colour you we did... you really are a shit pair of denims...". Now this raises 2 questions...

1. Firstly... How do you get a job as a "Jeans Distresser"... Have you ever seen that advertised? Me neither so its fair to say they must promote from the factory floor... but there's no point in promoting the ones that make good jeans... how can they distress them..? So they must promote their worst weavers to the post... which beggars the question... if your promotion propects hang on being rubbish at your job why does anyone bother to do it well? Maybe that explains my rapid promotions through my profession however... but I've not yet reached the giddy heights of client distresser so I'm guessing it must be a boardroom post... How are these decisions made?...
"So who do we have for promotion today to the board?"
"Er, well there's Simpkins, been at the comany for 10 years... grammar school... Oxford... 1st class honours... wife called Margery and 2 children.. Maddison and Benjamin"
"Hmmm yes....but is he crap enough"...
"Well we have Shirker... been with us for 8 years... off sick most of the time when he's not drunk... wife called Elvis and 4 children called AstonVillaAreShit, BirminghamCityAreTheBest, PissOnTheVilla and UpTheBlues... all girls..."
"Excellent... clearly the right caliber... promote him to the distressing post and double his salary... obvious Chief Executive material..."

2. Secondly... How the heck do you distress an inanimate object...? Well perhaps the answer lies in the remainder of the description... "BONED"
Now I had to think carefully on this... how do you "bone" a pair of jeans... surely you bone fish...(ie remove the skeleton from the carcass in preperation for service to the diner)... This to me seemed impossible... unless Levis actually buy up fish skeletons... stitch them into the jeans and then employ someone to remove them... surely here I am going too far... not only a distresser but someone to add fishbones to a design and another person to remove them..? So what did this mean... a quick look at the dictionary gave me the answer... apparently in the verb form to "bone" is slang for a male having sex with a female... ie "I chatted 'er up at the Red Lion... bought her a double vodka and coke... she dropped her knickers and I boned her in the gents"... or... "Since I got my new Ford Focus with double turbo camshaft I'm boning 2 or 3 girls a week... they love the leather gearstick..."

So have each pair of these distressed jeans actually been sexually assaulted by a paid employee just to distress them..? The mind boggles... I mean... how do you have sex with a pair of jeans? And won't it stain them? On this basis I felt further investigations were appropriate so looked very carefully to find the stains... all for research purposes you understand... I'm not usually to be found staring at the groin of a bloke wearing yellow jeans... but do you know what..? There were no stains apparent... so does the distresser/jeans assaulter wear a condom..? Or was in fact the clue to this conundrum before my very eyes.. It seems so... for although we are reassured the said jeans are new... they in fact look old... hence the distressed statement.... these jeans are made brand new, perfect in every way... then put through a machine to wear them out so they LOOK old... Can you imagine being born looking 52 years old..? You'd be distressed... one can only imagine how the jeans might feel...

Surely this raises questions on the nature of our society... its just too much trouble for us to buy a pair of jeans and wear them for a long time so they look well worn... no... we in the West are way too idle for that.. we prefer to pay for a company to make new jeans and then have a machine wear them out for us... and we wonder why as a nation we are becoming obese!! We can't even make the effort to wear out our clothes... Where will this end..? Will I be able to buy underwear with a brown streak down the rear... just so I don't have to go to the effort of skidmarking them myself?

BUT... here is the real irony of this... I have a one in one out rule in my wardrobe... Any new clothing purchased must be compensated by an old item going to Oxfam... Now I am not hard on my clothes so on this basis there will be someone in the 3rd world wearing my old clothes and looking smarter than me in my new ones... Erk!!

Finally you may be interested to know the price for these ready rubbished jeans... They're yours for "only" £237...

And a full frontal lobotomy presumably...

© OddBat 2008