Ida Maria.. continued

Now on my last post I examind the possiblity that boys live to their names... "Sids" for instance wear knotted hankies on their head on vacation but girls live to themselves... and used the example of the latest chart single by Ida Maria ... " I like you so much better when you're naked"...

Now, I don't mean to critisise but... surely... she can't be serious... I could understand if it were sung by a bloke... although no doubt the "Wimmins" liberation movement would call for the castration (if they were feeling gentle) of the male artiste concerned... but it is the way it is... girlies do look very nice naked... but blokes... sorry, but lets face it... the old meat 'n' 2 veg are hardly pretty... mind you that's not too surprising for if you read the bible... and I am sure all my readers have perused the worthy text carefully... it can be seen at Genesis that God spent 7 days creating the world and ALL Life in it...

Only 7 days... all that...

And guess what he created last of all..? Yup... us... man... the very last design at the end of a monumentally busy week... No wonder he hasn't been seen around much for the last few millenia or so... I know how much rest I need after cleaning the loo out... if I spent a whole 7 days doing it I'd be resting till my dying day... indeed I'd be too tired to let go of the bogbrush... so there'd have to be a sunroof on my coffin... actually good idea that... catch a few rays on the way to the service... no need to worry about skin cancer then either....

So there you have it... God spends 7 days creating the universe, heaven, earth... the billions of species of plants, insects (Why, Why, Why Wasps...?) and animals... gets ready to knock off for the week and finds one last thing on his list... bloody hell... an animal with brains...

You can imagine it can't you...? Dying for the toilet and a few beers, suddenly finds... got to create man... so hardly surprising he looks round the garage at what he's got left... and of course its not much... he could make the species from scratch but he really needs a crap, a pint and a kip so just digs around... finds a couple of spuds and a sausage... job done...

"Bugger"... says mankind....

Of course after a while man starts squinnying... he can't make any friends... hardly bloody surprising with the disastrous design... the other species can't stop laughing... so taking sympathy god removes a rib and fashions around it what SHOULD have been the design... and its good... bloody good... no shocks there then... he's now on overtime... this one'll be made to measure... Woman...

So... was it gods last joke on his very best masterpiece to ensure it had to sleep with his most ugly creation... did he have to clinically supress her vomit function to ensure she could?

Or is it true... did God really have to mess womens brains up soooo badly that they actually really think men look better naked????

Or is IDA MARIA really just rebelling against the curse of her name...?

Fetch me the knotted hanky... my brain hurts...

© OddBat 2008

Ida Maria... I knew an Ida

On my way home last Sunday I was listening to the chart... yes... that is the singles chart... not some kind of review about the functions of excel... when I heard a song was making its way up called Ida Maria... now initially I thought they had mispronounced... surely Ave Maria... a little upmarket for Radio 1 but who knows???

No...it wasn't Ave Maria... it was in fact a young artiste struggling with the unfortunate name IDA...

Now I knew an IDA when I was a kid in the seventies... she was a friend of my Grans... habitually in surgical stockings... complaining about her varicose veins and lamenting the loss of her "Sidney"during the war... So... you may think... isn't that quite cute/sad... pining for her dear husband all those years... well no... not really... Sidney was her Yorkshire terrier... killed when he strayed onto a Ministry of Defence training ground... Her husband... Albert... left her shortly after the war for the girl who gave him double helpings of dumplings in the NAFFI... as IDA never tired of reminding us...Now this is clear evidence of the resurgence of prewar names... y'know the ones that nobody would touch with a bargepole after the war 'cos they were as naff as... well... rationing, rickets and Goebbels... Today however so many girls labour with the names... Emily... Amy... Rose... now it seems the worst are coming back... Ada and Ida... Yet only girls are subjected to this trend... Noticed any boys named Sidney, Albert or Roger in the christening announcements... of course not... they're rubbish names... Kind of conjures up the image of an overweight bloke in a string vest with a pot belly, snowy white legs, socks and sandals... sporting the obligatory knotted hanky...

Now ironically I did spot just one fashion disaster on my holiday... and decided to have a word with him... we knotted hanky wearers must stick together... Guess what..? He was a Sid... so this is the problem... Men don't have the imagination to depart from the reputation carried by their name... christening a child Albert is to condemn the poor infant to a handlebar moustache, obesity and a lifetime of gout...

But girls... well it seems the fairer sex revel in the opportunity to overturn the reputation accorded by their names...Well one can only assume so by IDA's latest offering entitled "I like you so much better when you're naked" a song whose lyrics wholly challenge the reputation that goes with her name...

My grans friend IDA would NEVER sing that... "....Eee"... she'd say..."Don't tek off yer cardy... yer'll catch yer death in this 'ouse... can't get gas board to do nowt... plays havoc wi' me piles... 'angin like grapes they are..."

C'mon... who'd want to take off their clothes after hearing that...?

© OddBat 2008

Distressed Jeans...

I was flying home from my summer holiday recently and looking through the inflight magazine was astonished to see a review of what "man about the town... Ian" was wearing today... "yellow distressed boned jeans..." Now I dont know about you but there is one colour for denim and that is blue... well at a push black too, but red, green or white NOOOO... and yellow.... yellow.... the outerwear that tamed the wild west in budgerigar YELLOW... you have to be pulling my leg.... but then the next point struck me....DISTRESSED.... Now hold on a mo... how the hell do you DISTRESS a pair of jeans..? Are there people in the Levi factory whose job it is to yell at the products how worthless they are... saying things like no girl could possibly fancy them... or... "see that peice of dog turd out there... that's what we used to colour you we did... you really are a shit pair of denims...". Now this raises 2 questions...

1. Firstly... How do you get a job as a "Jeans Distresser"... Have you ever seen that advertised? Me neither so its fair to say they must promote from the factory floor... but there's no point in promoting the ones that make good jeans... how can they distress them..? So they must promote their worst weavers to the post... which beggars the question... if your promotion propects hang on being rubbish at your job why does anyone bother to do it well? Maybe that explains my rapid promotions through my profession however... but I've not yet reached the giddy heights of client distresser so I'm guessing it must be a boardroom post... How are these decisions made?...
"So who do we have for promotion today to the board?"
"Er, well there's Simpkins, been at the comany for 10 years... grammar school... Oxford... 1st class honours... wife called Margery and 2 children.. Maddison and Benjamin"
"Hmmm yes....but is he crap enough"...
"Well we have Shirker... been with us for 8 years... off sick most of the time when he's not drunk... wife called Elvis and 4 children called AstonVillaAreShit, BirminghamCityAreTheBest, PissOnTheVilla and UpTheBlues... all girls..."
"Excellent... clearly the right caliber... promote him to the distressing post and double his salary... obvious Chief Executive material..."

2. Secondly... How the heck do you distress an inanimate object...? Well perhaps the answer lies in the remainder of the description... "BONED"
Now I had to think carefully on this... how do you "bone" a pair of jeans... surely you bone fish...(ie remove the skeleton from the carcass in preperation for service to the diner)... This to me seemed impossible... unless Levis actually buy up fish skeletons... stitch them into the jeans and then employ someone to remove them... surely here I am going too far... not only a distresser but someone to add fishbones to a design and another person to remove them..? So what did this mean... a quick look at the dictionary gave me the answer... apparently in the verb form to "bone" is slang for a male having sex with a female... ie "I chatted 'er up at the Red Lion... bought her a double vodka and coke... she dropped her knickers and I boned her in the gents"... or... "Since I got my new Ford Focus with double turbo camshaft I'm boning 2 or 3 girls a week... they love the leather gearstick..."

So have each pair of these distressed jeans actually been sexually assaulted by a paid employee just to distress them..? The mind boggles... I mean... how do you have sex with a pair of jeans? And won't it stain them? On this basis I felt further investigations were appropriate so looked very carefully to find the stains... all for research purposes you understand... I'm not usually to be found staring at the groin of a bloke wearing yellow jeans... but do you know what..? There were no stains apparent... so does the distresser/jeans assaulter wear a condom..? Or was in fact the clue to this conundrum before my very eyes.. It seems so... for although we are reassured the said jeans are new... they in fact look old... hence the distressed statement.... these jeans are made brand new, perfect in every way... then put through a machine to wear them out so they LOOK old... Can you imagine being born looking 52 years old..? You'd be distressed... one can only imagine how the jeans might feel...

Surely this raises questions on the nature of our society... its just too much trouble for us to buy a pair of jeans and wear them for a long time so they look well worn... no... we in the West are way too idle for that.. we prefer to pay for a company to make new jeans and then have a machine wear them out for us... and we wonder why as a nation we are becoming obese!! We can't even make the effort to wear out our clothes... Where will this end..? Will I be able to buy underwear with a brown streak down the rear... just so I don't have to go to the effort of skidmarking them myself?

BUT... here is the real irony of this... I have a one in one out rule in my wardrobe... Any new clothing purchased must be compensated by an old item going to Oxfam... Now I am not hard on my clothes so on this basis there will be someone in the 3rd world wearing my old clothes and looking smarter than me in my new ones... Erk!!

Finally you may be interested to know the price for these ready rubbished jeans... They're yours for "only" £237...

And a full frontal lobotomy presumably...

© OddBat 2008