Convertibles, global warming... and sexy Shelly from Skegness

Five years ago I treated myself to my first ever convertible motor... For 2 main reasons:-

1. As a hormonally unbalanced spotty teenager, the most seriously sexy girl (who had a reputation for putting it about) I ever knew (and was well known to drop her knickers after a night out) was always to be seen in her new boyfriends Escort XR3i, Golf or Peugeot Cabrios. And she was well known to be an easy lay... did I mention that? Well it was a very important factor at that time in my frustratingly sex dominated life (the pursuance, not the actual act!)

So I did kinda think if I got a convertible and drove around Skegness I might see her again and she would finally put out for me after all those frustrated years. OK, so nothing changes, except after 3 fruitless months cruising the Skegness seafront all I got was a greasy chippy smell which wouldn't wash out no matter how hard I scrubbed. And a stinking cold... Oh and the news she'd left town and emigrated to New Zealand a few weeks earlier, no doubt upon hearing I'd finally (at 37) purchased a convertible. It did my morale no good to hear she has had 2 kids and still has the body and looks of a supermodel, although she apparently still also retained the brains of a slot machine... Mmmmm

2. That with global warming running out of control we in Birmingham were about to enjoy the weather of the Bahamas. Now of course I realised that global warming bringing us the summers of the Med, Olive groves, Orange trees and Vineyards would come at a cost but figured I deserved it after my contribution to the effect, and once England gets Bermuda hot, well, there'll be no more need to fly, so it'll all be OK.

Now some people might say I'm shallow but I am well aware that this seemingly Win/Win situation does have its downsides. Apparently as a result of global warming half of Norfolk and Lincolnshire will disappear. Now I hark from that part of the UK, a yellowbelly born and bred, and so know it well and I can assure you, it really is a price I'm prepared to pay. Believe me, the loss of a great tracts of below sea-level farmland is not a dismal outcome... indeed, I see only positives here.

Lets not forget that the fens spawned forth Oliver Cromwell, Puritan Dictator and obsessive killjoy who made it illegal to celebrate christmas (to celebrate is to trivialise his seriously worthy life), criminalised birthday parties (an event that commemorates birth celebrates the unspeakable act of carnal knowledge that precipitated it), banned the wearing of any colour other than black (probably) and forced the happy to eat their own turds till they repented (OK so I might have made up the last bit)

All the same he was a total Miseryguts and reason enough to get out those aerosols without mentioning another famous Fenlander... Maggie Thatcher who made it illegal to have days off work striking and removed kids free milk. Who remembers "Maggie Thatcher.... Milk Snatcher"? And made the working class eat turds till they were happy (probably)...

Say no more...

We will also have more creepy crawlies such as wasps and import new ones such as Mosquitos... Now I see this as a big upside and have greatly increased my shareholdings in RAID... the insecticide people, they're guaranteed to do well, and of course using propellant ratchets up those CFC's. Not only that but with all those dead insects we can sample new diets, just like the Aussies eat the witchety grub and kangaroo testicles so we will be able to enjoy the delights of common Mediterranean foods such as rabid dogs and feral cats. We can of course already sample the delights of Wasp Stew and Toads on toast, now we'll be justified in eating them, just like those Aussies.

Then again how about a new take on Mediterranean favourites? Cockroach Carbonara anyone? Mussels and Mossies. Less Moules Frites, more Moules Fright.

We'll also get warmer seas. Now I've seen TV programs about the Great Barrier Reef and it looks fab. Can you imagine one in Bognor? Well, why not the Great Bognor Reef?

Then there's wine. No more French wine! Chateaux Skegness anyone? Whoops, I forgot, we'll lose Skeggy in the global warming, one of lifes great ironies, just when its filthy, condom strewn, sewage infected shoreline becomes warm enough to venture forth without your thermal knickers and longjohns (although you would still need your Domestos) it'll be under the newly melted icecap waters of the subtropical North Sea... Wines from the house of Handsworth, and the vineyards of Moss Side nonetheless beckon.

So 5 years on has the decision to go topless worked out? Well the major problem with convertible motoring in Britain is that...

Well... It's open top motoring in Britain.

And that means that its cold and wet... and guess what, it seems that due to global warming Britain may actually get colder and wetter, as the melting Icecap will apparently end the phenomenon of the Gulf steam so whilst the rest of the world gets permanently glorious summers all years round, we'll end up with a second bloody Ice Age. Yep folks, when they say global warming what they actually mean is that the entire world will become a beautifully hot playground for tanning, convertibles, sales of Raid etc, but we in Britain... Well we will need to stock up on thermals and start learning to ski, in what is to be the cosmic joke of global warming - WE WILL GET COLDER.

Anyhow, my first 2 summers in my convertible were glorious affairs, I even decided to holiday in England in 2007, during what was Britains coldest ever washout summer, only surpassed by the record breaking washout that was summer 2008 which was in itself almost beaten for sheer misery by 2009. Even if I wanted to go topless now I can't as I've forgotten how to use the opening mechanism, and anyway, I daren't disturb the wasps that have nested in the bootspace reserved for the roof whilst I've been on my lengthy sunny (foreign) holidays. So it seems they are the only ones to benefit from the way Global Warming's worked out. Yes, wouldn't you guess it? This has been a bumper year for the wasps.

At least my Raid shares are doing well, now I just need to get onto Autotrader...

"Convertible for sale, one careful owner. Free can of Raid"



© OddBat 2009