Convertibles, global warming... and sexy Shelly from Skegness

Five years ago I treated myself to my first ever convertible motor... For 2 main reasons:-

1. As a hormonally unbalanced spotty teenager, the most seriously sexy girl (who had a reputation for putting it about) I ever knew (and was well known to drop her knickers after a night out) was always to be seen in her new boyfriends Escort XR3i, Golf or Peugeot Cabrios. And she was well known to be an easy lay... did I mention that? Well it was a very important factor at that time in my frustratingly sex dominated life (the pursuance, not the actual act!)

So I did kinda think if I got a convertible and drove around Skegness I might see her again and she would finally put out for me after all those frustrated years. OK, so nothing changes, except after 3 fruitless months cruising the Skegness seafront all I got was a greasy chippy smell which wouldn't wash out no matter how hard I scrubbed. And a stinking cold... Oh and the news she'd left town and emigrated to New Zealand a few weeks earlier, no doubt upon hearing I'd finally (at 37) purchased a convertible. It did my morale no good to hear she has had 2 kids and still has the body and looks of a supermodel, although she apparently still also retained the brains of a slot machine... Mmmmm

2. That with global warming running out of control we in Birmingham were about to enjoy the weather of the Bahamas. Now of course I realised that global warming bringing us the summers of the Med, Olive groves, Orange trees and Vineyards would come at a cost but figured I deserved it after my contribution to the effect, and once England gets Bermuda hot, well, there'll be no more need to fly, so it'll all be OK.

Now some people might say I'm shallow but I am well aware that this seemingly Win/Win situation does have its downsides. Apparently as a result of global warming half of Norfolk and Lincolnshire will disappear. Now I hark from that part of the UK, a yellowbelly born and bred, and so know it well and I can assure you, it really is a price I'm prepared to pay. Believe me, the loss of a great tracts of below sea-level farmland is not a dismal outcome... indeed, I see only positives here.

Lets not forget that the fens spawned forth Oliver Cromwell, Puritan Dictator and obsessive killjoy who made it illegal to celebrate christmas (to celebrate is to trivialise his seriously worthy life), criminalised birthday parties (an event that commemorates birth celebrates the unspeakable act of carnal knowledge that precipitated it), banned the wearing of any colour other than black (probably) and forced the happy to eat their own turds till they repented (OK so I might have made up the last bit)

All the same he was a total Miseryguts and reason enough to get out those aerosols without mentioning another famous Fenlander... Maggie Thatcher who made it illegal to have days off work striking and removed kids free milk. Who remembers "Maggie Thatcher.... Milk Snatcher"? And made the working class eat turds till they were happy (probably)...

Say no more...

We will also have more creepy crawlies such as wasps and import new ones such as Mosquitos... Now I see this as a big upside and have greatly increased my shareholdings in RAID... the insecticide people, they're guaranteed to do well, and of course using propellant ratchets up those CFC's. Not only that but with all those dead insects we can sample new diets, just like the Aussies eat the witchety grub and kangaroo testicles so we will be able to enjoy the delights of common Mediterranean foods such as rabid dogs and feral cats. We can of course already sample the delights of Wasp Stew and Toads on toast, now we'll be justified in eating them, just like those Aussies.

Then again how about a new take on Mediterranean favourites? Cockroach Carbonara anyone? Mussels and Mossies. Less Moules Frites, more Moules Fright.

We'll also get warmer seas. Now I've seen TV programs about the Great Barrier Reef and it looks fab. Can you imagine one in Bognor? Well, why not the Great Bognor Reef?

Then there's wine. No more French wine! Chateaux Skegness anyone? Whoops, I forgot, we'll lose Skeggy in the global warming, one of lifes great ironies, just when its filthy, condom strewn, sewage infected shoreline becomes warm enough to venture forth without your thermal knickers and longjohns (although you would still need your Domestos) it'll be under the newly melted icecap waters of the subtropical North Sea... Wines from the house of Handsworth, and the vineyards of Moss Side nonetheless beckon.

So 5 years on has the decision to go topless worked out? Well the major problem with convertible motoring in Britain is that...

Well... It's open top motoring in Britain.

And that means that its cold and wet... and guess what, it seems that due to global warming Britain may actually get colder and wetter, as the melting Icecap will apparently end the phenomenon of the Gulf steam so whilst the rest of the world gets permanently glorious summers all years round, we'll end up with a second bloody Ice Age. Yep folks, when they say global warming what they actually mean is that the entire world will become a beautifully hot playground for tanning, convertibles, sales of Raid etc, but we in Britain... Well we will need to stock up on thermals and start learning to ski, in what is to be the cosmic joke of global warming - WE WILL GET COLDER.

Anyhow, my first 2 summers in my convertible were glorious affairs, I even decided to holiday in England in 2007, during what was Britains coldest ever washout summer, only surpassed by the record breaking washout that was summer 2008 which was in itself almost beaten for sheer misery by 2009. Even if I wanted to go topless now I can't as I've forgotten how to use the opening mechanism, and anyway, I daren't disturb the wasps that have nested in the bootspace reserved for the roof whilst I've been on my lengthy sunny (foreign) holidays. So it seems they are the only ones to benefit from the way Global Warming's worked out. Yes, wouldn't you guess it? This has been a bumper year for the wasps.

At least my Raid shares are doing well, now I just need to get onto Autotrader...

"Convertible for sale, one careful owner. Free can of Raid"



© OddBat 2009

Penis enlargement or reduction? What a "MORONIC" formula

During a particularly mindless exchange on facebook recently a friend raised a mathematical question about the decline in the male member with passing years and whether this could be expressed algebraically. I am sure others have chickened out from attempting to form the calculus, but saddo I am, I "rose" to the challenge, only to find that when I typed up the equation she was disinterested in the result.

So never one to waste my time (only if you take the view of course that this is a useful excercise in futility ) I decided to post it as a blog instead.

Allow me to introduce you to the:-

Manhood
Only
Reduction
Overall
Numeric
Indication
Calculator

This is the worlds first ever non-patented method of calculating the decline in male members caused by the ravages of time, allowing both men and their partners to know exactly what the future has in store.

So who says the blogs are pointless?

So, to begin. We first have to make an assumption of decline, which in this case I have assumed at 1% per annum, although as you will see below, I allow for adjustments to the formula to allow for more optimistic, or pessimistic, views. My 1% per annum basically leads to a 50% decline in a manhood over a period of 50 years. But what my friend wanted to know is what the length of her mans manhood will be at any given point in the future. A most reasonable, and scientific question, so in the interest of the advancement of mankind and science, I now publish my formula here.

One way of expressing the calculation to discover the solution would be:-

FM= M - ( M x FA - AN )
oooooooooooo--------
ooooooo(oooooo 100oo)

Where FM is Future Manhood
and M is current length of Manhood
and FA is Future Age at which you wish to calculate Manhood
and AN is Age Now of subject

So if say you wanted to know the size of the manhood by age 53 when it measured 9.9" at age 30, (which for ease of calculation I convert to 250mm).

FM= 250mm- (250 x 53 - 30 ) 53-30 is 23
oooooooooooooooooo--------
ooooooooooo( ooooooo100oo)

which then becomes FM = 250mm ( 250mm x 23/100)... and 250mm x 23% is 57mm

So 250mm - 57mm is 193mm, or a still very healthy 7 1/2 inches.


But for those starting with a below average 5" or 127mm at 30 their weener will unfortunately reduce as follows by 53

FM= 127mm - (127 x 53 - 30 ) which as we know IS 23/100
oooooooooooooooooo--------
00000oooo000(ooooooo100oo)

So FM = 127mm - ( 127 x 23%) which is 29mm...
So FM is 127mm - 29mm = 98mm

So this man suffers a loss of only 29mm but when subtracted from his much smaller starting point leaves a pretty poor 98mm... or just less than 4 inches.

As a matter of interest at 65 a man with the supposedly average 6" would end up on this equation with only 4" too, although our 5" man would have only 3 1/4" ... not a nice thought. If you took the view that your manhood would decline at a lesser speed then just change the equation in brackets by adding a multiplier as follows:-

FM= M - ( M x FA - AN x 0.5 )
oooooooooooo---------------
ooooooo(ooooooooo 100oooo)

That would halve the decline, of course the cruel amongst you may think that my neutral starting point is much too optimistic, in which case change the 0.5 for a 2 which will double the decline from my starting point of 1% per annum... leaving our poor 5" man at 30 with only 2 3/4" by 65...

Oooooh, one for all you sadists out there that.

So, watch out for this in The Lancet...

© OddBat 2009

Optical mutterings

Today I have been having my eyes tested. This is not an excersise I enjoy, although I am allowed out of my padded cell and my straightjacket so I suppose I should look on the bright side.

The problem with opticians is that it's all about the eyes and that makes me queasy. They're just so gooey.

At school we had a Biology lesson.. no not that one... I went to an all boys Secondary Modern, consequently page 156 was missing from all biology books, so the teachers didn't bother with it. Our sex education consisted of buying pictures off Pete whose Dad had a paper recycling business and got all the unsold porno mags to pulp and recycle. Porno Pete "liberated" a few before they went onto the pulper, cut out the pics and sold them to us for our dinner money. Unsurprisingly he was the first kid at our school to get his own Music Centre and the fattest, ah... the fruits of unprincipled capitalism!

Instead of sex education, we spent extra time enjoying the doubtful pleasures of dissecting frogs, examining cowpats and microwaving wasps, well ok the wasp microwaving wasn't part of lessons.

One amongst many of the repugnant elements of our biology lesson was about the eyes, so the teacher brought in a few dozen bullseyes and said...

Teach: Boys, today we are going to learn about the eye, get out your knives (we all carried knives at school, it was part of the kit) and find me the aqueas humour, vitreous humour, the lens and the retina.

Well of course smelly Terry was at it like it was his dinner, in went his knife and the eye exploded... goo everywhere... seems it wasn't that fresh. Other boys, taking note, gingerly made their first incision, with varying results. Most of the eyes ended up skidding across the tables and onto the floor, but I just couldn't... I mean... yuk!!!

Teach: (to me) Boy...what are you doing boy..? Get on with it..
Me: I can't sir...
Teach: Of course you can boy..
Me: No, I can't sir..
Teach: But you must boy. This is in the interests of science, the advancement of mankind...

(You may seriously wonder why the advancement of mankind and science in the world depends upon a spotty 13 year old oik torturing the repulsive remains of a bulls cadaver, I certainly did then and still do now, but realised it would be unhealthy to ask the question, the biology teacher was a sadist)

Me: No sir... I just can't sir...
Teach: For pities sake boy just stab it!

(By this time Teach has severely raised his voice, his eyes are popping and he's clenched his hands into a tight fist, never a good sign. The entire class, sensing immediate entertainment, stops stabbing at the eyes, smelly Terry takes the opportunity to taste the lens he's just hacked out... and the classroom goes quiet.)

Me: No sir.. I really can't..
Teach: My god... Why not?
Me: ... Its looking at me...

I felt this was a good reason but as the class exploded, along with more bullseyes. It earned me a detention, spent having to closely examine the bits cut out by the class, including a lens with teethmarks... erm...

So I really have a thing about eyes. Consequently the optician is not the best place for me.
In fact I prefer the dentist... a lot. Give me a root canal any day over an eyetest. You know what's being done, teeth are simple, hard enamel sunk into hard jaw, no goo, AND the sound of the drill drowns out all the nasty stuff. Most of all you can't see what he's looking at, ignorance is real bliss. You also get to look up the dentists nose in wonderment at the bogey formations and realise that big bogeys are not the preserve of men, female dentists have huge greenies. Go on... when you're next at the dentist have a look, you really have nothing better to do.

Unfortunately, there's no bogeyspotting at the opticians, you have to look into a mutitude of machines whilst the optician looks into your eyes. Due to using magnifying lenses,theirs look like the bullseyes. I can easily identify the opticians aqueas humour, vitreous humour, lens and retina and it all looks like it would explode if I got out my penknife... No way, find me a dentist and get out the drill...

Finally, however it came. The diagnosis is... I'm a speccy 4 eyes who needs new specs... erk...
And here is the real irony... the maximum NHS dentist cost is about £120 ($170), yet the cost of a much more fearful visit to the opticians... well I consider myself lucky that I've seen change out of a monkey ($750)... BIG OUCH!!!


© OddBat 2009

1969, and all that...

I was on the phone to my a client a few days ago, we were both on our mobiles, and the cellphone network kept dropping our call, it was really frustrating, we barely got the conversation started than the line would break up, we'd repeat what we last said, usually simultaneously, then once we had started, with agonising delay to understand what each other was saying, it'd cut us off. After 3 attempts and no real progress we gave in and I tried again the next day, then the line was fine, apparently there was a Storm in his area at the time of the call. Clearly annoyed my client made the oft heard remark... "We can put a man on the moon, you'd think we could get the phones to work during a bit of rain"

And how right he was, when you think of that monumental achievement almost 30 years ago, life's little technological gripes seem more as a result of pure, "can't be arsed" by suppliers than real impossibility...

Have you noticed how at a restaurant the tables are always wonky? Surely if we can put a man on the moon we can design unwonky tables!

What about all that fluff that gathers in tumble driers? Surely if we can put a man on the moon... we can design fluffless dryers...

And don't get me onto our postal system! Surely if we can put a Man on the Moon... we can design a postal system that can do next day deliveries of a simple package without it having to go halfway round the world, and being shit in by monkeys... or has that experience only happened to me?

But... but... are we simply judging life by that excuse, all these things we insist are resolvable because we put a man on the moon... I mean, what if it had failed, or worse, the USA and USSR had never tried...

I wish these curtains would meet in the middle but it'll never happen as we can't put a man on the moon....

We'll never stop that tap from dripping, after all we can't put a man on the moon...

My toast is always too light (or dark), but we'll never design a good toaster, after all we can't put a man on the moon...

Would all technological development have stopped? After all, whats the point? We can't put a man on the moon, so no point in trying to move technology forward, so no Internet, no cleaner cars, no pocket calculators... but thinking deeper... no cruise missiles, invading Iraq, educating George Bush.

Then again they didn't seem to bother educating George Bush, despite landing a a man on the moon...

So, really now... how much difference did it all make?



© OddBat 2009

An ode to "friendship"

I have some lifelong allies, they have always been my friends,
They care for me, are there for me, their help it never ends.
Whether its first thing in the morning or last thing at the night
My dear friends are always there as long as I've a light.
***
These friends are not demanding, in fact they have no needs,
They go wherever I do be it London, Bath or Leeds.
They comfort me when times are bad or whenever I am down,
They wait for me to want them there to help pull me around.
***
They celebrate the best with me the turning points of life,
Were there when I got qualified and proposed to my wife.
My spectacular victories as my career took its shape,
Were partly due to them as they helped my nervous quake.
***
I took them on my holidays they joined me in the sun,
We all got drunk together, oh yes they joined me in my fun,
Whether highbrow charity balls or contests eating pies,
They were there helping me to see how the situation lies.
***
Then when I started lecturing the delegates knew a lot,
My friends were there to prop me up when the questioning got hot.
In social situations where I was lost on what to say,
I could use my friends, excuse myself, to get out of the way.
***
But recently I had the need to call upon the Quack,
I'd got a truly awful cough it really was a hack.
My doctor duly asked about my dearest little friends,
and then to my complete dismay he said it had to end.
***
It seems that over the years my friends have been quite clingy,
Mainly around the lungs where its all gone a bit stringy.
My Doctor says its not a good thing that my friends have gone and done,
If I dont end it with them now itll be like playing with a gun.
***
So last week I spoke unto my friends now called Silk Cut Low,
And told them very clearly I was sorry they must go.
To my dismay they gave no sound they didnt show regrets,
So I placed them in the bin MY DEAREST CIGARETTES.
***
So now I'm fit and healthy for I've given up the weed,
No standing in the freezing cold to satisfy the need.
No seeking out a brolly and huddling in the rain,
No seeking out the late night shops that really was a pain.
***
Yes life is so much better now without a single rotten fag,
My lungs can breathe, my nose can smell, now I no longer drag
My fingers don't stop moving but its my brain that is the biggie,
All it does is shout all day I NEED A BLOODY CIGGIE!

*****

***

**

*

© OddBat 2009

Why am I so stupid? (AKA I NEED A FAG!!)

Here's a conundrum for you.

What are your chances of early death if you're a smoker?
The answer may surprise you, for its only 50%.

That is to say only 50% of all smokers die from a smoking related disease, or to put it another way, half of all smokers are NOT killed by their habit.

This is one of those things, the health lobby has been telling us for years that smoking is unhealthy and it kills, both of which are true, however the effect is not felt by all smokers. BUT they don't tell us that, instead the message is deliberately left to be misconstrued, that each cigarette is literally a coffin nail, hastening your death as surely as a hot curry hastens an urgent sitting on the porcelain throne.

But, if you are a smoker it need not be that bad, or good, depending upon the next piece of data. You see if a smokers close relative having been a smoker themselves succumbs to a smoking related death then the surviving relatives chance of following the bloodline apparently doubles. Since the overall chances of dying of a smoking related illness are 50%, for those whose relatives lived till they were 80 or 90 then went peacefully in their sleep despite assaulting their lungs with 20 untipped Park Drives each day, well the lucky recipient of those genes must have a far less than 50% chance of dying due to their habit, their chances may go down by 50% say, so that's only a 25% risk, the kind of risk many may deem reasonable for their daily gaspers.

But what of those whose close relatives have succumbed.... Oooeerr!

Or should that be YIPPEEE!!!

You see, take my situation, my father was an inveterate lifelong smoker and died of lung cancer at 62. As I am following in his footsteps in my lifestyle choice (smoking), this doubles my chances of following in his footsteps at death.

So far, so logical... FANTASTIC!

I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!!

Allow me to elucidate. My chances of dying of a smoking disease were 50%, until my Dad died when they doubled... so that's from 50% to 100% The chances of death are the same for me as for every carbon based lifeform, 100%. AND as they can't go any higher I must be immune for every other way of dying.

It also means I know HOW I am going to die, not in a car accident, no matter how fast I drive, not in a plane accident, even if I decide to fly Zimbabwe airlines (or even Aeroflot). Nope, I'm going to die of a smoking related disease... Its a 100% certainty!!!

I have achieved something very rare in this life, immunity from death by any sort of natural, human or unnatural means. I can drive a car off beachy head and I will survive . I can hunt down Osama Bin Laden wearing a suicide bomb and survive to collect the $100million reward afterwards! I can go Bungee jumping knowing It can't possibly kill me (I needn't even bother with the uncomfortable Bungee rope). I can go skiing down the most suicidally exciting slopes. Heck I could even read Cherie Blairs latest tome in the full knowledge I will live to tell the tale.

I could chat up Jennifer Lopez, feel up Pamela Anderson and knock up Angelina Jolie without the slightest fear of retaliation for I AM the nearest thing to INVINCIBLE.


So on this basis considering how lucky I am, why the hell have I quit smoking, and am currently chewing my feet off?

(Help)

© OddBat 2009

Barak Obama, a short view from across the pond...

In these tumultuous times I felt a more serious blog was appropriate to reflect the views I think are widely held in the UK, about the USA...

I followed the campaign from the early days, those first nervous Caucuses and Primaries.

There are 2 things that really defy belief here:-

1. That the land of the free until only a few decades ago believed that whilst all are created equal, some could be "more equal" than others. For the nation that was leading the fight against intolerence and dictatorship upon the behalf of the free world, that is a shameful fact.

2. The flexibility of America, her innate ability to adapt really shines through from this, and Barak Obamas election confirms the final victory for the US constitution.

The strength of America is in its diversity and its ability to not merely to accept, but to power through change. This election is totemic of that fabulous ability that still makes America the worlds greatest democracy.

The USA sleepwalked its way into the 21st century and was woken with a horrifying jolt by 9/11. She thought she could resolve the problems in the usual way, throwing military money at the problem... the tactic that won the 2nd World War (with the overwhelming help of the Red Army) and the Cold War too. This time it led to 2 wars and subsequent insurgencies and the USA has now learned that money is not going to solve this problem, or at least not military money. Especially with the worlds economy in freefall, led by the USA's own indebted position.

New thinking is needed, a new direction, an understanding that military money spent doesn't always solve problems (remember Yugolsavia and Vietnam?)

Obama arrives at the White House at the most critical time in American history since JFK, and in all probability Roosevelt. Luckily America does have a great record of finding the right leader at times of great adversity. The hopes of the free world rest on Americas shoulders, but once again it seems a great man has emerged to lead that great nation again, and by definition all of us.

Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man... And who can doubt that has happened in the person of Barak Obama?

© OddBat 2009

Happy 2009

I woke up on Monday and lord I felt bad,
My ears and my joints all ached like mad,
Me head was pounding and my arse felt alight,
I called up the office to say I wasnt alright.
*
No sympathetic voices from the office came back,
The server had decided to fall of its rack,
So no computers could work and my staff were just waiting,
But as computers run our phones we could do no trading.
*
Not that much could have been done in any event,
As the boiler had broke on the coldest day yet,
So the staff were all freezing just standing there,
While the office manager ripped out her hair.
*
Having reported in ill, I had done what was needed,
So I returned to my bed feeling duly defeated,
I had hoped for sympathy, some kindly good thoughts,
Instead I get a repair bill ending with lots of noughts.
*
So if anyone mails me saying "Happy New Year"
You will understand when I grab hold of your ear,
And yell real loudly so your eardrums crack,
"Fuck off with the New Year, give me 2008 back!"

****

***

**

*

© OddBat 2009